A question I get asked a lot is how did I come to realise I liked girls?
Looking back there were a million different signs but sadly, thanks to comphet (post to follow on this), I noticed none of them. I had been with girls before, in fact almost every night out I would get wasted and pull a girl but you know, everyone pulls girls when they’re drunk, right? *sigh* I always thought women were more attractive than men, it just made sense to me, women were beautiful and ethereal whereas as men were brutish and generally unhygienic but I genuinely believed that everyone thought this way (spoiler alert: they don’t).
Hands down the most glaringly obvious sign was that I didn’t enjoy sex with men, actually I would go as far as to say I hated it. But there was also a lot of trauma there and I fully convinced myself this was the reason I didn’t enjoy sex . I think it’s this rhetoric that kept me from realising who I was for so long; this insane idea that I was somehow damaged and things would just never feel good for me. For anyone reading this who can relate, I just want to say that the idea of being damaged beyond repair is bullshit and no one has that sort of power over you, you are more than just your trauma. There’s also this general idea that straight sex is never that good for women because men are inherently bad at it, I’m not denying this, it’s sadly a fact that is backed up by numerous studies, but when you’re expected to have an unsatisfying sex life how the hell are you ever meant to realise that it’s actually attraction that’s the problem and not just the incompetent man you’re with?
So, if none of these things made me realise I liked girls, what did? The answer: TikTok. This app quite literally changed my life. I did the same as every other millennial in lockdown; I swore I’d never download that stupid app then the boredom overcame me, I cracked, downloaded it and became highkey obsessed. I spent the first few weeks watching (and trying) all the dances and fun trends, I cried at videos of cute dogs, I cringed at all the shirtless men and marvelled at all the gorgeous women. And then, one day I came across a video by @sk8rbella with the caption “look into my eyes when the beat drops” I looked and my life changed. This is the moment I began to question EVERYTHING. I’d had men look at me my whole life and never felt that way, most times I felt nothing and when I did feel something it was usually pure rage because they would leer at me and sexualise me without consent but that’s a whole other topic. This video though, the way she looked up, then back down, then back up did things to me! Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it was the first time I realised that I wanted a girl to look at me like that. Naturally, I liked the post and from there on I started to see more lesbian and bi content. I would scroll through TikTok and cringe seeing guys attempting “thirst traps”, I remember reading the comments and wondering how any of these girls could find this stuff attractive, but when my for you page became flooded with gay women doing them I suddenly felt what all those other girls had. I’d watch these videos and see nothing but perfection. The more videos I watched the more my attraction for women grew, I started to fantasise about what it would be like to be with a girl, to hold her hand, cuddle her, generally be intimate together. When I was alone, you know having some “me time” I’d picture women and suddenly things began to feel more intense, more pleasurable. The negative feelings I once experienced during these moments were gone, I didn’t feel guilty or sad or feel like what I was doing was wrong. It just felt nice, it felt the way I’d always heard every other woman say it should feel.
At this point I was sure that I was attracted to women, I had a boyfriend at the time who I truly thought I was in love with so naturally I assumed I was bisexual, I told him such and reassured him that it didn’t change anything between us that my attraction for him hadn’t changed. I would of course later realise this wasn’t the case, I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to go through several months of confusion, hurt and questioning.