What’s My Sexuality?

This is a question I think almost everyone in the LGBTQ+ community has asked themselves at some point. Discovering your sexuality is a rollercoaster of a journey and potentially one of the most confusing times in your life. I’m sure at some point we’ve taken the classic “what’s my sexuality?” or “am I gay?” quizzes. I don’t know about you but I feel like these quizzes are designed for people who know their sexuality but are just struggling to admit it. They ask things like “are you attracted to women?” (that one was an easy yes for me) then “are you attracted to men?” and honestly I don’t get how that’s helpful, the whole reason I’m taking this damn quiz is because I don’t know who I’m attracted to! When I was questioning I was almost certain I was attracted to women; the difficult part for me was that I couldn’t wrap my head around how all of a sudden I just wasn’t attracted to men anymore. This of course wasn’t the case, I think deep down I was never attracted to men, I just thought I was because it’s what society teaches you. If you’re curious how this works you can give my post on compulsory heterosexuality a read. So what questions should you ask when you’re trying to find that label? Below I’ve listed some of the things I asked when I was questioning.

1.When you think about sex how does it make you feel?

For me, inspecting how certain things made me feel made the world of difference. In terms of working out sexual attraction, sex itself is always a good place to start. So picture yourself in different scenarios, how does it make you feel? Is it positive or negative or maybe neutral? Positive emotions generally suggest there is attraction there while negative would indicate there’s not. If you feel neutral or negative in all scenarios then it’s possible you lack any form of sexual attraction, or possibly you need an emotional connection before you can feel sexual attraction. But take some time and really think about how all the different scenarios make you feel.

2. Would you act on the attraction you feel?

A lot of us can become confused about what is and isn’t real attraction. For example, I can tell you male celebrities that I think are attractive but it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them. So grab yourself a wee list of different people you think are attractive and then think about whether you would act on that attraction, would you want them to cuddle you? To kiss you? Would you have sex with them? If you decide you would act on the attraction then it’s probably a genuine attraction, if you decide that no, even though you think they are attractive you wouldn’t want it to become anything real then you probably aren’t actually attracted to them. Case in point is women who say “I fancy her so much” but when asked if they would have sex with her say no; they aren’t actually attracted to that woman, they just appreciate how attractive the woman is.

3. Can you picture a future together?

This brings us into the realm of romantic attraction. In its essence, romantic attraction is a desire to form a connection with another person on a romantic level. For people who experience sexual attraction, their romantic attraction often aligns with this. For example, I’m sexually attracted and romantically attracted to women and women only. However, some people will experience little to no sexual attraction but do desire romantic connections. In this case ask yourself if you can picture a life together? How you picture this will depend on the kind of life you want. Can you picture yourself with someone non-binary? A woman? A man? How does it feel when you picture these different scenarios? Again look at what produces positive and negative emotions and take it from there.

4. How have you felt in the past?

Reflection is a great way to working out how you feel; often we have repressed or purposefully ignored signs that have been present. I spent eight years of my life in relationships with men and even longer thinking I was attracted to them. I recently found my old high school diaries and every page is filled with how I didn’t find my boyfriend attractive but he was kind and funny, so I must be in love. Then I have a whole diary entry about kissing a girl in a game of spin the bottle but for another nine years I would remain adamant I was straight; madness. During my relationships I often experienced a feeling of discontent, this nagging of “what if there’s something, someone better out there?” This is something that I now don’t experience with my girlfriend, I don’t spend hours wondering if maybe things will feel more right with someone else. So have a look at past relationships and really examine how you felt in them, what was good? What was bad? Did you feel like something was missing?

Discovering your sexuality is hard and this is by no means a sure fire way for you to discover yours but these questions did help me when I was feeling lost and confused. The most important thing to remember is that sexuality can be fluid, the label you identify with today might not be the one you identify with tomorrow. It’s normal to have a changing sexuality, especially when for so long queer relationships were seen as taboo and information about them wasn’t freely available. Now there is more acceptance and with that comes room for more exploration of different and varying sexualities. So don’t stress about finding that label just enjoy the journey and focus on making decisions that make you happy!

40 thoughts on “What’s My Sexuality?

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  1. This is a really helpful post for discovering your sexuality. There are so many reasons that it might not just appear fully-formed when we’re teenagers, the way society expects it to! Internalised social prejudices and assumptions, for one. And lack of LGBTQ presence in our lives due to the amount of people who don’t feel safe/comfortable being open about their sexuality and the way the media has been biased towards straight content for straight people (though this is thankfully improving!)

    Great post, and I’m glad that you mentioned demisexuality in there, too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes exactly! A lot of people don’t understand how you don’t just “know” and that makes me quite frustrated tbh! There’s honestly loads I could write on the topic haha! Thank you, I wanted to try and be as inclusive as possible!

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  2. Great post! I think when it comes to sexuality (and questions about it) there must be so many things to consider, and I think it must also be a personal thing. Thank you for sharing this post, I think it will be super helpful for others who are having questions or looking for support in their journey x

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  3. Every time I read your posts I always find them full of helpful tips and so honest. I am so glad you are sharing your experience and help others as well as make them understand that is fine if you’re still discovering your sexuality. As you said attraction doesn’t mean you would act on it as you wouldn’t forcibly need to be straight even if everyone around you is. Thank you so much for sharing x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is such a lovely, encouraging and sensitive post. I love your point about just because you think someone is attractive it doesn’t mean you’re necessarily attracted to them. It’s possible to appreciate someone without needing to go any further. I hope this post will be helpful to others – you don’t have to conform to what society expects to be happy x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you are so amazing to be so open and honest. I’m sure there are so many people that will benefit from asking the questions you’ve mentioned above and being able to go on their own journey of discovery.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh absolutely! Discovering I was bi-sexual took me way longer to admit and realise than I ever really thought. It was when I was looking at a magazine article about suncream and there were models in bikinis… I just remember looking at them & thinking wow…. I actually quite fancy them?!
    That for me was my ‘wtf’ 😳 moment and when I admitted my realisation to my friends, I felt something shift inside of me. A kind of relief? And as I told more people it allowed me to own it.
    And now? Even tho I’m a very single pringle, it doesn’t mean my sexuality is any less valid. Whether I ever do have one or not, with a woman or a man, I feel secure that I know what kind of relationship I do want, should one ever arise. ❤️
    Posts like these are so important so please know it’s reaching the people it’s intended to! 😊
    Thank you so much! Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s so strange having that moment of realisation! But I was the exact same as you, once I acknowledged it and staring telling friends I felt quite euphoric! Absolutely, you are valid no matter your situation! Even if you never get with a woman, your sexuality will always be valid, no matter what some people say! That last part has really meant a lot to me, so thank you so so much for the lovely comment ☺️

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  7. I always love how open you are, this will be so helpful to many, especially who may be a bit confused with their sexuality. I really agree when you said you can be attracted to someone but it doesn’t mean you need to act on it. I’m been attracted to persons, like girls actually but I’m not sure if I can say I want to be with them. Girls are pretty tho 🤷🏽‍♀️. I used to question myself when I was younger and I still do. As I get older and be in relationships, questions still float around in my head. Great post! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I think it’s more normal than people realise to question things, especially for women because it’s more normalised for us to comment on how attractive other women are and to be affectionate with other women too!

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  8. Great post! As I was reading, I couldn’t help but be transported back to my formative years when I was trying to figure out really what attraction meant. Even as a straight (cis) female, I think this process helped me to figure out my feelings and should be normalized, and should probably be an ongoing conversation or check-in with yourself. I appreciate this as a resource—thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I have never experienced this and can’t even imagine how confusing and difficult to deal with must be. I am sure this post will help a lot of people. I don’t like labels at all and you end your post with a very important message, the most important thing is indeed to enjoy your journey and focus on your happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s a rollercoaster for sure but it’s worth it when you finally start to figure out who you are! But yes I find labels sometimes just add pressure tbh!

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  10. Sexual attraction is something we need to be more open in talking about. I feel you about attraction. Dwayne Johnson is attractive but I am not attracted to him lol! Just a light appreciation. Attraction comes in multiple forms and level. It can take time for people to realize their attraction. What’s important is to make sure people are comfortable doing so!

    Nancy ✨ mdrnminimalists.com

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Amazing post! Thank you for being so open in this post! This post will be very helpful for people that are unsure about their sexuality and these points are very detailed. I agree that labels are really hard to put on people so there shouldn’t be a lot of pressure on them to do that!

    Liked by 2 people

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