Inter-continental Hoe Phase

*Disclaimer: all covid precautions have been followed, your gal is fully vaccinated (big flex, I know) and I’ve made sure to follow the rules.

It’s been quiet on the blog the past few months, the reason being that things with my girlfriend ended and I was completely devastated. The breakup was so unexpected and it took me a while to actually accept that I wasn’t going to hear from her again, I spent weeks obsessing over it and not being able to focus on anything else and as such the blog suffered. But anyway WE MOVE. Time, as they say, heals all and so now I would like to welcome you all to what my friend has aptly named my “inter-continental hoe phase”. It’s about to get real chaotic so grab some popcorn and settle in folks!

Dating multiple people is probably morally questionable (even more so when you’re not over your ex) and I’m sure many of you will disapprove but I believe that as long as you’re upfront with your intentions then what’s the harm (feel free to debate me on this). Now I’m sure you’re all familiar with a hoe phase (is it a healthy way to deal with heart break? No. Am I gonna do it anyway? YES) so that bit doesn’t need much explaining, the inter-continental part however, you’re probably wondering about. There are certain stereotypes about lesbian dating and one is falling for a girl that lives in another country. I was adamant this would never be me because honestly who has the energy for long distance relationships, but well here we are and so far I’ve fallen for girls from India (hi, wifey!), Singapore, Ireland, England (this was against my better judgement) and Argentina.

So lets begin with India, she’s actually a friend from twitter, a beautiful and amazing human whom I am very proud to call my friend. We call each other wifey and flirt non-stop, it’s everything you want in a relationship really. Of course, I would never actually date a friend, I’m not out here trying to ruin a good friendship but if we weren’t on opposite sides of the world I would definitely be asking her to marry me for real. She’s one of these people that has such a big heart but is also ruthlessly funny, and I’m forever grateful that Twitter gave me the opportunity to meet such a wonderful person. But despite how wonderful she is, we do in fact live on opposite sides of the world so our amazing romance will never get to happen *cry*.

Next up we have Singapore, she’s beautiful and funny and we just clicked right from the start. It all seemed so perfect, until I saw she was 16,245km away (according to Google maps it’d only take me 114 days to walk there, definitely do-able). We kept chatting despite the distance and quickly became pen pals. Now we send each other voice notes every day and share all our dating traumas. We have the type of connection where I get excited seeing her name pop up and actively take time out from my day just to speak with her (but it’s definitely just platonic, I’m not falling for her, don’t be ridiculous). We’re going through very similar stages in life; we met a girl we thought would be “the one” got our hearts broken and are having a hard time moving on. Some days we’ll just cry to each other about missing our exes, other days we’ll talk the other one out of trying to contact our ex again, the next we’ll be hyping each other up for a date and supporting the others (severely questionable) life decisions. Overall, as a pair we’re pretty chaotic but it’s nice to have someone on the same wave length as you.

By this point I’ve fallen for girls from literal opposite sides of the world so I think to myself “let’s be realistic and keep it closer to home” so that brings us to Ireland. One thing you should all know about me; I’m a sucker for an Irish accent (republic not northern, sorry NI), so you can imagine my excitement when I matched with a wee Irish beauty. We had a lot in common, we both loved the outdoors and had a similar sense of humour, she was ticking all the boxes. As far as distance was concerned she wasn’t far away at all (in a whole other country, yes but physically not that far away), Ireland is less than an hour on the plane but sadly the whole pandemic situation isn’t great for an international love affair. And as such I was about to cut her off (because at this point I had enough long distance crushes) but then she told me that in a couple of weeks she would actually be moving to Scotland to finish her studies! Finally, a girl I’m getting on with who is actually going to be in the same country as me, it was exciting but naturally we got stuck in the joy that is the perpetual talking stage. When she was free, I was busy and vice versa, eventually I realised a date was never going to happen, I got bored with the talking stage and decided to ghost her (yes I know that’s wrong, but I feel like ghosting is semi acceptable when you haven’t actually met yet) (ok fine, it isn’t acceptable at all, I’m a terrible human, I KNOW!).

Then I met England. Whew, where do I even begin? First of if you’re not from the UK the whole Scotland/England rivalry might not make much sense to you. It’s pretty much all jokes but generally speaking us lot here in Scotland aren’t massive fans of the English (it’s mostly political, England are always fucking things up for us *enter brexit*) but generally speaking we don’t actually hate the English. However, if I’m being honest I had always actively avoided dating English people. I never really understood why this was so imagine my surprise when I match with a Newcastle lass, hit it off right away and then take a two and a half hour train ride for a first date that would last twenty-four hours! When we started talking it seemed perfect; I explained I was fresh out a relationship and still very much heartbroken, I didn’t want anything serious just some casual summer fun and she agreed. But within a few days she got pretty intense, now clearly at this point I should have called it off but my train ticket was already bought and she had planned what sounded like a really fun date (there were goats involved, no chance I was turning down a date with goats) so I went ahead with the date knowing full well we wanted different things. The way I would describe this date is different, it wasn’t bad but it was definitely an experience. So keep your eyes out for the post telling all about my twenty-fours in Newcastle!

This brings me to Argentina. Plot twist, she actually lives in the same country as me! She moved over to Scotland to study music and basically fell in love with the country; I don’t blame her, Scotland is beautiful and generally speaking as a people we’re pretty class. I’d love to tell you all this was the beginning of an epic summer romance but it was definitely not. We had four dates in total, the first one I cancelled because I got black out drunk the night before (and maybe slept with my friend but sshh we don’t talk about that), the second date I also cancelled because I wasn’t back in time from my 24 hour date in Newcastle, the third date I was four hours late because I had stupidly planned two dates for the same day and the fourth date I left and then ghosted (you’re probably all heavy judging me by now, it’s ok, I deserve it). There’s no way for me to spin this to make myself look good, I was deep in the hoe phase and clearly morals meant nothing to me at this point. On the occasions where I actually did make the dates we had a nice time, she was genuinely a lovely girl and very attractive but we just had nothing in common. Unlike me, she seemed to have some emotional maturity and did in fact send me a message after my six days of radio silence to “end it”. Her message was lovely and there were no hard feelings, I’d say this was definitely a turning point for me. It was the moment I realised I needed to slow down the whole “hoe phase” and maybe deal with the underlying hurt I was desperately trying to run from.

So there you have it, the grand beginnings of my inter-continental hoe phase, there have been lots of ups and downs since first matching with these gals, many failed dates, some crazy stories and a lot of ghosting (but that’s just par for the course in lesbian dating). But you know what? It’s been fun, it’s given me the chance to meet some really cool women and make new friends and it’s given me plenty of interesting (low-key disastrous) dating stories for the blog!