First Heartbreak

It ended. And so did my sanity.

It started with one unanswered message, two days passed and I had no reply, it wasn’t like her, we spoke every day, a text sent to check in, a reply to say she had tried to respond but didn’t know what to say, then three days pass with no contact, that feeling in my gut tells me we’re breaking up, I reach out to her, a reply to say it isn’t about us she just needs to recharge, eleven days pass, I anxiously check her social media for updates, she’s active on messenger every day, has she been replying to other people? another check in text is sent to ask what I can do, to see what she needs, she replies to say we need to speak about things, six hours pass, my anxiety turns to anger, I just need to know what she wants from me, the thought of her leaving me consumes me, a phone call goes unanswered, and another then another, finally a message “I’m busy right now”, it’s not anger anymore it’s pure rage, finally a message explaining that she isn’t doing good, that she doesn’t know what she wants, she knows it’s unfair to ask me to wait around until she’s better, confusion about what she actually wants, does she want me to wait? I’d wait forever for her, a text sent to say I’ll wait as long as she needs, guilt consumes me, I shouldn’t have gotten angry, she’s not ok, it’s not her fault, a month of no contact passes, I wonder how long I should wait for, maybe she’ll never speak to me again, I don’t know if she’s alright, she’s active on all her socials, she must be speaking to other people, maybe it really is just me she doesn’t want to speak to, I wonder what I done wrong, a post appears on Instagram, she’s at the beach, the anger is back, how can she ignore me for months but post online, does she not care at all for me? maybe it’s me that was the problem after all, maybe I was too needy, that’s it I was too needy, I’ve pushed her away, it’s not her fault, but I need to know if she wants to be together still, if she wants me to keep waiting, another text sent asking for clarity, I didn’t word it right, I’ll send another, then another, no reply, I’ll send a voice note, wait I didn’t express that right, another voice note to sum up what I was trying to say, nothing in return, another month passes, I phone her when I see she’s online but my calls go unanswered, this is torture, I wonder what I did for her to treat me this way, I wonder if she’s ok, maybe she’s struggling more than I understand, she’s blocked me on Facebook now, I can’t see when she’s active anymore, maybe that’s for the best, things must be worse than I thought, I’ve made things worse for her, I need to accept she doesn’t want to speak to me, to be with me, a final text sent to say I understand it’s over, to apologise that I couldn’t be there for her.

I feel insane, my heart is breaking, I don’t understand anything that happened. I can’t bring myself to unfollow her or delete our pictures, maybe she’ll reach out when she’s better again. Did I do this? Is it my fault she pushed me away? I was too much. I hate myself. I don’t like the reflection I see anymore, but there’s mirrors everywhere, at least they’re good for checking I have a smile on my face before I leave the house. Another hole is punched in my belt loop, is that three new holes I’ve made now? I forget. I tell my mum I’ve ate that day, I haven’t but I’m not hungry. A night with friends will help, a few drinks will be fine, four hours later it’s more than a few. I don’t want to go home, I want to leave, I want to runaway. It’s late, I’m cold, I shouldn’t be out alone, god I feel so lonely, I’m scared. A drunken call to friends, I need someone to tell me it’s ok, I need someone to understand I’m not ok. Reassuring words calm me down, but then I’m alone again. I’m the problem, I’m the reason people treat me this way. The woods are dark and comforting, maybe I’ll just walk in and keep going, go as far as I can and not come back. Someone emerges from the dark, we stare at each other then silently move on. I need to go home, the alcohol is wearing off, I’m cold. Numb, that’s all I feel when the sun rises. I punch another hole in my belt, my dad comments that I look thinner, I buy some new jumpers. Another driving lesson goes badly, why is nothing going right? A quick lie and a smile to say the lesson went great, a hurried run to my room before the tears spill over, and then it’s back to numbness. Parcels from friends arrive, reminding me they love me. I don’t deserve people this good in my life. Another hole is punched in my belt loop, my trousers sit funny at the waist now. I step on the scales, the number shows a stone and a half difference, I look in the mirror, I don’t like my reflection, all I see on my face are flaws, my stomach is flat and smooth but maybe it could be flatter, smoother. Maybe I’ll like myself more then, at least I can control that. Weight and eating is the only thing I feel in control of anymore. A part of me knows it’s unhealthy. That I’m potentially going down a dark path but I don’t care.

Breaking point. They’ve all noticed, my parents are worried, the baggy clothes don’t hide the weight I’ve lost. My mum sees the uneaten food, the small portions I serve up. My dad is worrying about me. I can’t control the tears anymore. They spill over with ease for no apparent reason. They’ve all seen me crying silently in the corner of the room. I’m not out yet. I can’t explain to them why I’m so upset. I want to hug my mum and tell her what’s wrong but what if they don’t understand? What if they don’t look at me the same? Loneliness is what pushes me to come out, I need to tell my mum how heartbroken I am, I need help. Shock, and anger when I tell them. I’ve made things worse, I wish I had kept it to myself. But then acceptance, after a while, a loving and warm hug, a kiss on the forehead to tell me it’ll all be ok. They just need some time to process it. A night spent curled up in my mums lap, her soft hands wiping away the tears, her tight hugs making me feel more together again. I have my first full meal in months. And then the world is opening again, I can go outside. My first escape to the mountains, the power in my legs as I push up the hill, the breath escaping my lungs but always returning anew. The peace. There’s no one else here but us, the rain brushes my skin alongside a slight wind. I feel calm. New friendships are being made, I laugh a genuine laugh for the first time in ages. I forget about her for hours.

Maybe things will be alright after all.